How to Sound Like You Know Something About Football While in Fact Knowing Nothing
4. Become an instant expert of football’s regulations and arcana. Remember: if a guy touches the ball but doesn’t catch it, it means something either good or bad, depending; field goals have to be 15 or 20 or 25 yards back from the thing; that guy can’t do that; touching the head is illegal; touching the shirt is illegal; touching the hand is illegal; touching is illegal; they won’t call the game unless there’s a lot of rain; just kidding, they won’t call the game unless there’s thunder; a “safety” means whatever you think it means; the thing is not allowed be that close to the other thing.
